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Even a glass of water??

December 13th, 2006

I said something on IRC the other day about my new â??ask for
everythingâ? rule and I didnâ??t really go into detail. The more I think about it,
the more I want to.

My new â??ask for everythingâ? rule really throws my mind for a
loop. Before I was required to ask permission to go to the bathroom (â??If you
have to piss, you better ask first!�), I would go fifty times a day. It was
something I used to fill my day. Nothing better to do, bored, not interested in
staring at an empty channel devoid of conversation? Go to the bathroom!! â??Master,
I gotta peeâ?¦ brbâ? and off Iâ??d go. Granted it only takes a minute or two, but a
minute or two break from the unmoving IRC screen was really all I needed.

Iâ??d eat all the time. I mean all the time. I was hungry
fifty times a day. Snack on this, try that, taste thisâ?¦ no wonder Iâ??ve been
having trouble losing weight! Iâ??d read, play games, wander off to do whatever I
thought needed doing, etc. Having a rule restricting this completely changes
things.

I sit and think about how badly I need to relieve myself
before I ask to be allowed. If I can hold it a little while longer, I donâ??t
ask. And I absolutely hate feeling like I have to go to the bathroom. I
try to decide if eating is really something I need to be doing or if Iâ??m just
trying to fill space in my day. I wonder if thereâ??s something more productive I
could be doing (that I could actually put my mind to and concentrate on â?? I swear,
I think I have ADD. It would explain some things.) before I ask to play a game
or read or whatever it is that I want to do.

And Iâ??m sneaky. Instead of asking for what I really want (but
am to embarrassed to ask for), Iâ??ll ask vague questions. â??Where do you want me
to eat?â? when what I really want to ask is â??Can I eat on the floor beside you
where a slave should eat?â? And â??Where do you want me to sit?â? when what I want
to know is â??Do you want your slave to sit on the floor next to you while we
watch TV?â? And I think Master thinks that the answer Iâ??m looking for from Him
is the one that will make me the most physically comfortable. While I do enjoy
physical comfort, I get more (both in my growth as a slave and my personal enjoyment)
out of being treated like a slave. And Iâ??ll pout and bitch and whine.
Especially when the physical discomfort begins to outweigh the mental and
emotional enjoyment of being placed where a slave should be placed. But the
ultimate desire is still the same. To be treated like a slave. A piece of
property. An object. And really, I donâ??t want Master to give in and give me
what I want just because Iâ??m whining.

The thing that Iâ??m neglecting most, though, and I shouldnâ??t
be, is drinks.

I dehydrate really easily. My body just doesnâ??t hold the
nutrients it needs to in order to keep itself hydrated. And I donâ??t really
sweat them out (It takes a lot to make me sweat. Where the burned calories go
when I do lose weight is beyond me, because I rarely ever sweat them out.) so I
have no idea where they all go. I just know they donâ??t stay in me. And this
would be fine if I was constantly drinking. Iâ??m not.

Iâ??ve been in this funk. I really need a glass of water. I
know I really need a glass of water. But god damn it, how humbling is having to
ask for a glass of water? And so I sit. And I stew. And I refuse to ask for a
glass of water. And then I end up where I am today. So dehydrated that my
tongue is raw and my hands and feet are cracking and even when I want to I canâ??t
cry because I have no liquid in me to squirt out. All because I have too much
of an ego to ask for a friggin glass of water.

Though Iâ??m not sure â??egoâ? is the right word. So I looked it
up (dictionary.com hates me. When I want the definition of a word right now,
itâ??s always down.) and ego = self esteem. Do I have self esteem? Yes. I donâ??t
think itâ??s my self esteem getting in the way of me asking for the things I
need. (On another note, I donâ??t like m-w.comâ??s definition for self esteem. It
defines it as being conceited. One can have self esteem without being
conceited)
. I think itâ??s excessive pride and lack of humility. And I donâ??t
know where it comes from, this fear of embarrassing myself by â??lowering myselfâ??
to asking for things only a slave should/could/would want. All I know is itâ??s
very real and it fucks with shit.

I want to be able to open my mouth and ask for whatever it
is my heart desires. Sitting on the floor, cumming just to cum, sucking His
cock, fucking His ass with my tongue, eating from my doggie dish, and on and on
it goes. Iâ??ve asked if we can clean out the closet so I have a makeshift cage. I
didnâ??t get much of a response. Maybe I should ask again? Or maybe I should beg
harder for the kennel at Wally
World as a temporary place to
kennel a bitch until we have a cage. I want a cage. Sometimes I think I need a
cage. Anywayâ?¦

I really like that I can post more than one entry now and the
new entry posts on top. Before Master started working on the new site, the
first blog for the day would always stay on top. That frustrated me to no end
because I could post a hundred times in a day and all anyone would ever see
(unless they went through my entire blog) would be the first one I posted for
that day. I would change the dates for blogs just so the one I wanted showing
would. I guess it still kind of sucks that the new entry takes the place of the
old entry but perhaps we can work on trying to find a way to view all of the
dayâ??s entries or something. Iâ??m seriously considering a â??punishment/transgression
log� so at least part of this will be alleviated.

As for missing comments (I probably should be putting these
things in news sections but oh well), Master is working on new comment modules.
Heâ??s trying to find one that rates comments and allows you to rate the entry
and just does everything He wants it to do (I really have no idea what â??everything
He wants it to do� is) as well as looks good. Unfortunately, this is deleting
comments. Sorry, shameless Frown Keep commenting, though, and if youâ??re really
worried about me getting them send me a private message Smile This is done by
selecting â??List usersâ? then going to my profile and clicking on â??send messageâ?
under messages. I'll let you guys know when He's finished fiddling with the comments module.

Finally, if anyone has any questions or comments they donâ??t
want to ask in the comments section for whatever reason, feel free to ask where
ever you feel more comfortable. Send me a private message, email me, put it in
the forumâ?¦ whatever you think will work best. Iâ??ll get them and Iâ??ll respond.
Promise!

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