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Big Rule Broken

December 13th, 2006

Yesterday wasnâ??t anywhere near as bad as it could have been
and it makes me feel all the worse about what I did. I donâ??t know whether there
is more to come or not and I canâ??t decide whether I hope there is or isnâ??t.

I broke a rule. A really big rule. And I know itâ??s not
always good to categorize rules. No rule should be broken. But the fact remains
that there are really big rules and not so big rules.

In any case, a little background. I get scared (This has
nothing to do with why the rule was broken this time around â?? yes I said this
time around.). Really scared. When I enter into a new relationship and thereâ??s
even the tiniest inkling in my mind that the person Iâ??m with might not want me
as much as I want them and they might leave, I freak out. And I start doing
stupid shit. Usually by way of other men.

Masterâ??s and my relationship is no different. I did the same
thing. I thought He didnâ??t want me and I started flirting with guys I worked
with and customers trying to form some sort of â??back up planâ? should I need it.
I thought (because Iâ??m fucked in the head, I guess) that this was okay. I wasnâ??t
â??cheatingâ?. I was just making sure I had somewhere to go, someone to turn to,
should He walk out on me.

It wasnâ??t okay. It wasnâ??t even close to okay. And it broke
His heart.

Iâ??d like to say it was the last time, but it wasnâ??t. It
happened again at the next job I got. Only this time, it was for attention. We
were going through a particularly rough patch between His job and His daughter
and I (being the useless cunt I am) was feeling neglected.

All of this was resolved, mostly, except He still has issues
trusting me. Who can blame Him, right? So there are rules in place to avoid
these things. Iâ??m not allowed to talk to the guys I work with unless itâ??s about
something that is directly related to my job. Iâ??m only allowed to speak to male
customers if I have to. There is to be absolutely no personal conversation or
flirting or anything else with any male in real life, ever. Unless He says
otherwise. And there are very specific rules regarding the men online that we
interact with (i.e. No conversing outside of IRC or Insatiable Desire without
express permission, no use of His property without His permission, etc.). I
follow them, and when a man comes close to asking me to go against one
(knowingly or unknowingly) I explain the rule to them and tell Master what

I broke this rule. There was no underlying reason for it
this time. No justification, in my mind. If truth be told, I didnâ??t think it
was that big of a deal. People where I work bust on each otherâ??s mistakes and just
plain bust on each other period. And so, I busted on a guy I was specifically
banned from ever talking to unless given permission.

Master called and I was telling Him what time I thought we
would get out of work. He heard me laughing when the guy I worked with was
making fun of the way I was telling Master weâ??d be on time. And Master was mad.
And He was hurt. And He was disappointed. And it was all from attitudes and
mannerisms that I had no idea I had.

When He picked me up from work, we went to the store. We
ended up sitting in the car for a while talking. Itâ??s a very rare thing for Him
to tell me to shut up. Itâ??s even rarer still for Him to tell me not to speak
unless Iâ??m given permission. When he tells me to shut up, He usually means â??Donâ??t
say or do whatever it is youâ??re saying and doing anymore.â? Or â??Youâ??re interrupting
my train of thought. Stop for a minute.â? Not this time. This time it was, â??Donâ??t
speak until I say you can.�

And that was it. I was left with nothing to do but sit and
listen to Him tell me what He knew just from the way I talked on the phone. Just
from the sound of my voice. I had plenty to say, but I wasnâ??t allowed to say
any of it. And when it was over, I realized He probably saved me a world of
hurt with those seven words. Not because the words going through my head were
particularly bad, but because I would have only dug myself deeper.

At first, I lied. For no other reason except that I didnâ??t
want to be in trouble. And He said something to the effect of â??So much for you
not lying to me anymore.� So I told the truth.

He was calm and He was rational. He listened to me and He
talked. No where in the conversation did it feel like we were on equal ground
but we both acknowledged that the other was not unintelligent and we had an
adult conversation. And I was completely floored. Not because of His ability to
do this. Because of mine.

Iâ??ve never had an adult conversation in my life. Not about
something this major. I start to feel threatened and I freak out and I scream
and yell. Before Master, I would scream, yell, and throw things. He made it
very clear from day one (when we were both spilling our dirty little flaws)
that this would never be acceptable behavior so Iâ??ve only ever screamed and
yelled with Him. Weird how that works.

I hope this continues to be the norm. I mean, obviously He
has every right to raise His voice when Heâ??s angry. Itâ??s even mostly expected.
He doesnâ??t usually or if He does itâ??s so subtle that you have to know Him to
know Heâ??s doing it. Itâ??s me who gets out of control. Itâ??s me who stomps around
and slams doors and yells and gets sarcastic and mean. Me. So it was nice not
to do that. I think Iâ??ll try that more often.

Iâ??ll also give the not lying thing another go. And Iâ??m going
to try the not talking to guys thing again as well. This time, though, I will
succeed, one way or another. If I have to wear a ball gag to work, it will be
done. It would kill me to lose Master. It would be pretty shitty to lose Master
because I canâ??t keep my mouth shut.

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