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December 7th, 2006

Once upon a time, I made an effort to post the things I'd
done wrong and the punishments that resulted from them. I think it lasted two
days. It got to be too much. Not that that's any reason to stop. If anything,
it's more a reason to keep going. I'm thinking of making an effort to start
again. It would be so much easier if Master would make it required. Then I
wouldn't have a choice.

In any case, yesterday…

Yesterday I screwed up twice. This new rule of my default
position being on the floor beside Him and asking permission for everything
is apparently throwing me for a loop. I did well for the first half of the day,
but He was at work and I've had to let Him know if I was walking away from the
computer for as long as we've been together anyway. There was a semi-slip up
first thing in the morning, so two and a half times?

My daily routine for as long as I can remember has been to
get Him up, get up, get Him in the shower, get Him breakfast, get Him off to
work, then sit and eat my breakfast and drink my coffee (though sometimes I eat
while He eats depending on the day). So when He walked out the door, I went to
the kitchen, made myself a cup of coffee and reached for the bagels. As I
lifted to tip toe to reach the top of the microwave, which is on top of the
fridge, I froze and stared at my open hand. Then I turned and looked at the
coffee cup on the counter. Then I walked to the office, sat in my chair, and
waited for Master to pop online.

I briefly thought of just eating. He'd never know. He was at
work. He couldn't very well see through the computer screen. I put that thought
immediately from my mind. Then I briefly thought of not telling Him of how
close I got to eating without permission. He'd definitely never know that. He
couldn't possibly find out about a thought I had. It's not like they imprint
themselves on the walls or my face… do they? So there was no reason to tell Him
that part either… was there? And as I sat trembling in front of my computer
waiting for His screen name to pop on, I decided that all of this must be
relayed to Him and if I was punished, so be it.

The rest of the day went smoothly. I didn't do anything
without permission. I even sat at the table staring at my chicken sandwich trying
to wait discreetly (His coworker was there) for permission to eat while He
chattered on the phone with His ex. When He realized I wasn't eating, He looked
at me and said, "Go ahead," froze for a moment as if thinking whether or not to
make it known He was giving me permission to eat, then, when I smiled at Him, finished
with, "and eat." I nodded my head, wanting so badly to say, "Yes, Master." and
started eating, feeling a bit weird that I was eating and He hadn't touched His
sandwich yet.

Then we both got home from work. He told me to make dinner
so I made both His and my plates, walked into the computer room, and sat at my
computer. He asked me what I was doing. I had to admit that I assumed it was
okay for me to eat. Master made me sit on the floor beside Him with my plate
and eat.

Later, we went to watch TV and instead of asking to sit on
the couch, I just plopped my ass there. Master blew up. "What do you think this
is? A joke?" I slinked to the floor beside Him in front of His couch and
cowered there. Man, I gotta start remembering this rule.

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