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November 13th, 2006

I'm starting this now with the hope that I'll still be of
the mind to finish it after Master comes home for lunch. Oh wow… It's almost
time for that.

I've wanted to broach the subject with Master since it
occurred to me last night. I haven't been able to open my mouth (or fingers, as
the case may be) for fear of angering Him even more before He punishes me for
the last time I angered Him. Then a man we know brought up the subject (sort
of) in channel. By the way, we're in #Tamber_Haven now.

Master's been poking and prodding at me to get to the root
of my "problem" lately. Why I'm always so quiet, why I don't seem
interested in anything, why seemingly little things set me off. First and
foremost, my period's coming. That's a definite mood killer. It shouldn't be
too far off now. But second, and probably most important, is that I've not felt
particularly slavey in… a month? Two months? More?

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I get a "time
out" just because my mood is off. I don't want one either. The problem is
I feel like we've been on hiatus for… oh just forever… and I'm just sort of
hanging in limbo.

Wow, and I've suddenly completely talked myself out of being
afraid of my punishment today.

Time out… Time out… where was I going with that? Oh yeah…
I don't expect to be able to say "Hey, I'm not feeling like a slave, so
I'm just not going to be one until I do." I don't want to ask for an
official "time out" (and I know I wouldn't get one if I did). And I'm
not saying I'm not a slave or I don't want to be a slave or anything like that.
Ugh… I'm not explaining this right. I'll do it how I thought it last night
(but didn't bring it up because Master was trying to sleep).

Lately, I don't feel like a slave or a wife. I feel like I'm
19 again making a fuck buddy out of a guy I really, really want to be with even
though I know I'll never get everything I want/need out of the relationship.
And I hate feeling that way. Because I know Master tries.

Between His job, my job (did I tell you I work now?) there's
no time for anything. And it's leaving me wanting.

And even after being punished, I feel more like a punished
child than a slave. Blah… I talked to Him about it. I'm gonna work on my
schedule with work and try to avoid late shifts and maybe somewhere in all that
we'll find more time to make me feel like a slave.

Anyway, the Master's on His way home and this little
slutmonkey has to go potty… Enjoy

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