Yesterday I found myself in complete and utter panic over
something people don't usually think about. What happens to me, a piece of
property, if Master dies before I do? Where do I go? What do I do? This one's
not sure she'd know how to even begin to survive being property with no owner.
And she's sure she doesn't want to learn.

It's funny the things you learn about yourself in the midst
of a panic attack. My original reason for freaking out was because I'd be
completely alone with no one to turn to if Master were to die tomorrow. And I,
for some reason, allowed myself to indulge in the angst-filled pity party
wanting to know where my train of thought would lead me. When I got to the end
of the black and white rainbow, I found that ultimately my fear stems from
being property. I am a thing, not a person, and terrible things can happen to a
person's effects if they're not given to another owner upon death.

And then it led me through all the stages of "But I
don't want anyone else to own me." And the fact of the matter is, while
it's true that I don't want to be owned by anyone else but Master Melen,
what it comes down to is if He were gone, for whatever reason, I wouldn't be
able to stand on my own two feet without seeking the comfort of another owner.
I'm property. Through and through. The only thing I know, anymore, is to be
pleasing and obey. And not knowing what happens to me if He goes away scares
the hell out of me.

Last night, while using His girl, Master said things to her
and the more He spoke the more her heart sang the song of her slavery. If her
tongue weren't so busy licking and kissing His throat she would have begged for
promises she has no right to ask for to hold Him to the words He was saying. He
said "I'm going to abuse you and humiliate you and remind you that you're
a fuck toy. I'll keep you in your place and always remind you what you
are." And she kept thinking, "But… that's what I want. How can that
be a bad thing?" And she wanted to scream "Thank you, Master, for
making her a slave."

This piece of property, only of value because she is good at
pleasing men, is emotionally bound to a man of such amazing strength. And she's
emotionally bound to a station in life that most people cringe away from. And
she used to wonder, used to be terrified that she couldn't have both. That she
couldn't love Him with every fiber of her being and love her slavery just as
much. And she realizes now that they are part of each other and part of her and
part of what makes her whole.

Emotionally bound. I like the sound of that.

On a lighter note… Dad just got us tickets to
Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Center stage on the floor seven rows back. It's gonna
be another merry Christmas..