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Different

August 24th, 2006

We've returned to the Kaverns and it's a little strange
being there. If only because it's been so long since we have. I'm having a
rather difficult time explaining to people the tumult of thought and emotion
that goes on in my mind when I serve on irc these days. It's important for me
to express exactly what I mean so that maybe I can figure out how to fix it. Or
at least explain it better when I ask those I trust for help.

So far I've described it as feeling "fake". I'm
not sure how else to explain the way it feels. It's like a year ago I created
this whole online persona that really wasn't me and now I fear it's expected of
me again. And maybe at the time it was me. But it's not anymore. And when I try
to be that person, the girl who served with grace and beauty six months ago, I
feel like I'm sitting in that channel and lying my ass off.

The emotions are the same, however. I still want to cry when
I see a master praise another girl and ignore me. I still get frustrated when
there are a ton of girls there but they're all lapping or something and I'm
having to serve everyone coming in and out of the home. And I still get
frustrated at the soft touch of some of the free women. I know that none of
these should bother me. I know that none of these is my choice and my opinion
doesn't matter. I guess it's just this self-destructive complex that I'm not
good enough, never have been good enough, never will be good enough.

I watch the other girls serve and I wonder what happened to
my fire. Then I read my past serves and I wonder if I ever had it. I guess with
as deep a desire to serve in real life as I have it doesn't really matter much
if I'm not "paga hot" online. And Master said just last night that I
should concentrate more on pleasing Him in real life and then worry about
pleasing Him online.

He's so different. I didn't realize how different until
yesterday. It's not good or bad, just different. And it's a little weird to sit
there and watch Him be this new Him with other people.

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