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Awestruck

July 7th, 2006

rayne spent part of her day yesterday and this morning before showering reading the recent blog entries of a girl she"d very much like to be able to call friend. she"s known her for…. oh a while now but never really made much of an effort to actually get to know her. Through a couple of the conversations we"ve had (and now in reading the blog she shares with someone else) this girl realized that was probably a mistake – hopefully a mistake she can remedy. rayne started at the beginning when she got out of the shower. Perhaps in hopes of learning more about her and finding some common ground to chat about the next time we see each other.

This slave wishes she had a place like that. A place where she can
just ramble uncensored and say whatever thought comes to mind and never
have to worry about who gets offended. she can"t do it on deviantART
because there are people who have no business sticking their noses in
our business still poking around. ID was supposed to be that way but it
has turned into a place where rayne has to be careful who she offends,
as was proven by the reader who reported us to one of the blog listings
ID was on and had us removed. And so she has a tendency to censor who
she is here. It sucks that a girl has to do that in her space.

Growing
up rayne"s always had two favorite animals. Dolphins because they were
nothing like her but everything she wanted to be (strong, intelligent,
loyal, friendly and outgoing, sleek and beautiful) and turtles for what
they represent (retreat, introversion, hiding inside oneself, etc.) and
because they are exactly like her (clumsy and slow, bulky and only
aesthetically pleasing in certain lights). she used to want to go into
marine biology because then she could work with the dolphins and whales
and sea turtles and she"d have no need for humans. she never finished
high school, though, and we can"t really afford to put her through
school – else she"d major in English now, she thinks.

In
thinking about her past rayne recognized that, until Master, friendship
had been largely absent from her life since Natalie. she"s made
pathetic attempts here and there, but in all actuality she"s always
surrounded herself with people she knew would never really be loyal. A
girl was afraid that with loyalty would come the expectation of
commitment and she"s worse than a stereotypical guy when it comes to
committing herself to something. Even her six year engagement (she just
thought about it and realized we were only together six years, not
seven) was largely supported by the fact that she knew she would never
actually have to marry him. rayne can"t even make a decision most of
the time because she"s so afraid of the reprocussions of changing her
mind.

rayne learned something yesterday that she guesses
she"s always known. she"s just so damned afraid of showing that she"s
weak that she"s avoided taking advantage of it. This slave learned
that, while there is a heirarchy in our relationship and she is in no
way equal to Him, Master is the best friend she"ll ever have. He is her
rock and her salvation. Without Him, she would have spent the last
three, almost four years still stuck in the vicious cycle that was her
life. And He truly is here for her whenever she needs Him.

she
never really thanks Him for that. As a matter of fact, she quite often
spits on Him for it. We only hurt those dearest to us, she guesses, but
rayne"s sick of it. And He"s been sick of it for a while now. How He
manages to continue to love her through everything she continually puts
Him through is beyond her. Why He loves His slave when no one else can
(most of the time even herself) is something she"ll never understand.
But He does. And she should stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.

rayne
doesn"t usually let people glimpse inside her and see what is really
there. Perhaps this is part of why ID isn"t doing as well as she"d like
it to yet. But she"s afraid they"ll see the darkness that she"s worked
so hard to keep hidden these past three years. Master knows it"s there.
And He knows how to keep it at bay. But lately it"s been trying to
reach this one through nightmares, terrifying revelations and memories
about her past, and unfathomably cruel predictions about her future.
All these things her subconscious locked away – or maybe it was her
drug-induced stupor? – and is suddenly, and all too quickly, releasing.
It"s like with sobriety comes the inability to see any good in herself,
and she"s wondering why it waited three years to rear its head.

Yesterday
this slave was a basket case. Part of it was hormones (being a woman
sucks at least one week out of the month) but a lot of it was the
nightmares. The conversation Master and she had and our evening pushed
the nightmares and memories and fears from her mind. she woke up this
morning a very different person from the one who couldn"t stop crying
and trembling yesterday morning. she"s in a very reflective place and
it"s like she"s got a ton to say and can"t say it all fast enough.
Maybe once she"s finished putting her journal on ID she"ll put her head
into writing something. We"ll see what the day brings, she guesses.

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