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The Grudge?

June 12th, 2006

Today while in the shower, rayne was contemplating some of the recent events of Master"s and her life. she realized she"s been holding a grudge that she has no real right having in the first place.

There have been times in the past that she"s gotten into trouble
because of her own personal actions and because another slave was
involved she"s managed to convince herself that it was their fault and
not hers. Or that they got her into trouble on purpose and that she
hadn"t really done anything wrong.

This particular
grudge was because of something similar. There was a misunderstanding
between rayne and another slave and instead of asking rayne about it,
or hashing it out with rayne, the slave went to Master and "tattled".
When this slave was finished being petrified of Master"s reaction, she
was furious. How dare that bitch go make things difficult for rayne!

hashing it out in her mind this morning, rayne realized that she cannot
(whether she is slave or not) control the actions of others. The best
she can do is control her own and hope for the best. And part of that
is being careful what she says and does so she isn"t misunderstood.
This would save a lot of trouble for Master and herself.

realizes now that part of her reaction to the situation was hurt. A
girl was devastated that her Master was angry with her over a
misunderstanding with another slave. Even though Master was furious
with the pettiness of the other slave as well, rayne believed that she
was the one in trouble and the other slave was getting away with what
happened. After all, how much punishment could He inflict on the other
slave when He did not own her? And Master always points out to others
that Men do not often involve themselves in the affairs of slaves, yet
here He was putting Himself in the middle and punishing rayne!

the conversation that entailed, Master mentioned part of why He was so
angry with rayne. What He said embarrassed and hurt her even more. He
said, "I expect things like this from her. But not from you. you"re
making yourself no better than her. Is that what you want?" she doesn"t
remember if she responded. she knows only the answer if she had would
have been: No. rayne absolutely does not want to be a petty, jealous

Now rayne realizes that whether or not He gets
involved is His choice. And who He chooses to lay the blame on or
punish… that"s His decision as well. And rayne"s only recourse, if He
deems she is the one who should be in trouble, is to accept His
decision, beg mercy, and accept whatever punishment He chooses to

That day, she was so terrified that she cowered
in the corner of His bedroom sobbing and waiting for Him to come and
instruct her further on where He wanted her. After the first lash of
His whip, she screamed out for mercy. she begged Him to talk to her
before beating her. And she begged Him not to beat her. And when it was
finished, she felt less than an inch tall. she apologized to the other
slave, more out of fear than truly being apologetic for the
misunderstanding, and didn"t much say a word the rest of the night.

all this, however, there have been attempts by women to get rayne into
trouble and make her appear less a slave in Master"s eyes. rayne
wonders what motivates women to be so catty. Master makes it clear to
every woman He has contact with that rayne is a permanent fixture in
His home. They have nothing to gain by trying to win His attentions or
make themselves look better than rayne, except perhaps a place in His
home… on the same chain as rayne. So why is it they endeavor to try
and change that?

And she supposes that is part of why the
fear that one day He will succumb holds her so tightly in its grasp.
Because women will never stop trying. Women who believe that they must
be owned by a certain man and who are convinced they can worm their way
into his life and push anyone else out will never stop attempting to do
just that.

And this is where trust comes into play. This
one must trust Master when He tells her that He will not get rid of her
unless she forces Him to do so by her own actions. she must believe Him
when He says that no woman or slave will ever come between them. she
has no choice but to believe in Him and let the actions of others slide
off her back without affecting her.

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