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No Longer Superficial

May 1st, 2006

I used to live a very superficial life. There was a reason for everything I did. Money, popularity, material possessions, etc. The people I dated had access to something I wanted. The things I did gave me access to something I wanted.

When involved with someone, while almost always sexual, the relationship was rarely ever intimate. Sex was something I had to do to get what I wanted, regardless of what that particular want was. If there were activities other than sex that I participated in with my insiginificant other, they were always things we didn’t have to interact during. We could be completely self-absorbed or absorbed in whatever we happened to be doing and it was perfectly okay.

I’m not sure I’ve ever really known any of the people I’ve interacted with past their name and aesthetic or monetary value. And this is something that has always been well-known about me. I am a cold-hearted, self-driven bitch.

When I met Master, that superficial life went out the window. It quickly became apparent that if I was interested in Him only for my own gain (which I never was) I was pursuing the wrong person. At the very beginning, He tied my hands to my waist and wrapped His fist in my hair and made it very clear that He intended to get right up close and I had no escape. Superficial He is not and He would stop at nothing to get to know me and show me who He is.

We do the most amazing things together. Things that require interaction and learning who one another is. Go for long treks in the woods, play competitive games, play not so competitive games, shoot hoops just to throw up the ball, laugh, talk for hours about nothing and everything until one or the other of us is mumbling inaudibly in our sleep and laugh… Gods do I love having laughter in my life. And when we’re in the house (and sometimes when we’re not, depending on where we are), I can speak, behave, enjoy who and what I am. And I can be content and happy and completely satisfied with that and not be afraid that I’ll look up from my knees into eyes darkened by the disappointment of knowing who I really am.

I’m a slut by nature. Lascivious and insatiable. Salacious and lewd. The most primal, carnal needs well up inside me and bring me to tears (though I often still fight them back and try to hide them from my Master). I find myself
clawing at the carpets and wanting to beg and scream and plead and writhe on the floor even for the slightest touch. And this is natural to me. I can’t imagine not feeling this way.

The other day, Master ordered me to the floor to lick and kiss His legs. In mere moments, I was bellied on the floor licking and kissing at His feet. It was a strange feeling. Even before Master said “That’s where a slave girl belongs, isn’t it?” I was thinking “This is where I belong.” And my mind screamed “What are you doing?! You’re supposed to be scared of this. You’re supposed to be afraid to be who you are! Why aren’t you pulling back and feigning indignation.” I calmly answered my overexcited mind “Do you really want to deny this man all
that you are?” Silence is the sweetest answer.

No longer am I interested in superficial relationships. I want to know this man that I am so helplessly in love with as much as He sees fit to allow me. I want to do for Him things that I’ve always imagined but never thought possible. I want to be for Him the person I’ve always known I am but have always fought to hide. I want to be engulfed in everything that is Him. I am finished with just scratching the surface.

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