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The Public Eye and More to Prove

April 21st, 2006

Master and rayne have recently joined the online mailing list of a local BDSM group with the intention of eventually going to meet these people in real life. While she"s excited and rather intrigued, she"s a little nervous. What if it turns out she"s one of the "princess slaves" she"s so often berating? What if nobody likes her? What if Master finds a slave He likes better than her and she becomes, at best, second slave? Or worse! What if He gets rid of her? After last night (or this morning, in non-night people speak), this slave wouldn"t blame Him.

she"s really excited about the possibility of having real life
submissive friends. You can"t imagine how difficult it can be wanting
to babble on and on about the things she"s experiencing inside herself
to her friends (well… friend) and not be able to because the woman,
while seemingly wonderful, would never understand. And heaven forbid
she should tell her husband! He"s a cop.

While she"s
been in the public eye (through her blog, online forums, etc.) for a
while now, the internet has always offered her a small sense of
anonymity. Meeting these people will put her front and center with the
exact audience she"s tried to attract. It will strip her of her hiding
place and put a face to her name. she"s not sure she"s ready for that.
But it doesn"t matter what she thinks. What matters is what Master
thinks. And when He"s ready, she"ll have to make herself ready.

she"s
got a lot of proving to do. And she only dug herself deeper last night.
Proving she"s happy, proving she is and wants to be a slave, proving
she"ll behave… There"s so much that she destroyed in one fell swoop
and she has no idea if she"ll ever be able to get any of it back.

she"s
beginning to wonder if she ever was the slave that she claimed to be.
If the things Master says are true (and they usually are), she has not
yet begun to be a slave. Most recently she"s been nothing but a bitch
in training and she doesn"t like herself very much right now.

Less
than a week and she already almost lost her birthday present. Less than
a week, and she was fully prepared to take it off and walk out the door
because she thought that was what He wanted. Less than a week and she
was ready to throw everything away before she would even consider the
fact that she was wrong and shut her fucking mouth.

And
it"s starting to sink in that she can"t take any of what she wants by
force. Even if she had the right, the second she starts to try she
looks ridiculous. Hand on hip, collar on throat, imaginary whip in
hand, and her inner self says, "Fuck you. You"re just a slave." Even in
her own mind, she"s just a slave. So what makes her think that with
this high horse she"s on she"ll ever be anything more?

she
was asked what she wanted and because she was so ashamed and devastated
and angry with herself the most she could croak out was "To be Your
slave, Master." The truth is, she wants more. So much more.

To be pleasing

To be owned

To be cherished

To be loved

To be wanted

To be desired

To be needed

To be an important part of His life

To be beaten

To be punished when she does wrong

And
she deserves none of this. Not even being punished and trained and
molded to His will. And she doesn"t know how to get to that place in
which she does deserve it. she doesn"t think she was ever there. And
it"s difficult to find your way to somewhere you"ve never been without
directions. While He can tell her the things she is expected to do to
be a pleasing slave, He can never tell her exactly what it would take
to get back into His good graces. Or to get into them in the first
place. Because what good would it be, then, even if He could describe
every minute detail, if she wasn"t making an effort of her own volition
to get there herself? What good is a slave who can"t prove herself
worthy of her Master"s attentions without Him telling her how?

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