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April 19th, 2006

Sometimes this one feels like it is impossible for her ever to be honest about the things she thinks or feels. Like expression of such will have some sort of repercussion she won"t like. And she"s been told all her life (even before she was slave) "If your thoughts make you feel like you should be punished, perhaps you should re-evaluate your thinking."

she finds herself, sometimes, wishing she had a moment where she
could just say whatever came to mind without fear of retribution. Then
the person she was speaking with would know just how much she doesn"t
say regularly. And then she realizes that at this point in her life she
probably shouldn"t have any of those thoughts anyway. But how does one
change how they think? How do they change how they"ve thought for damn
near thirty years?

So then it becomes a battle of using
her head before she uses her mouth (or fingers, as the case may be).
And her mind doesn"t always win. Before she realizes what she"s saying
it"s already out of her mouth and she"s already in trouble. This blog
is probably one of those cases.

It"s too much to want to
be perfect. It"s an unattainable goal. But why does it seem that even
being semi-good is an unattainable goal as well? Or to have the energy
and/or desire to put forth effort to be semi-good without having to be

If life were a barrel of water, and all the scum floated to the top… well then rayne would be on top for once.

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