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Finding herself Lacking

March 1st, 2006

There was discussion turned argument between Master and rayne yesterday morning about rayne's behavior and ability to be that which she claims to be. Something that should come so naturally seems to be a serious problem for her to accomplish at times. Master says it seems being slave is something rayne only wants to be when it's convenient for her. Words were exchanged and hurtful things said. Perhaps on both our parts – sadly, she doesn't really remember what she said (though she'll be reading the log when she's finished with this).

she finds herself confused at these times. Mostly because things
Master says to her seem to no longer apply. Not that He didn't mean
them or no longer means them or anything like that… just that they no
longer apply to her. Once He said she was a natural slave. Once He said
that she deserved to be important… to be His most cherished
posession. Neither of these seem to be true anymore. Not because of
anything He said or did. But because of her.

she's noticed
distinct changes and has ignored them. Anger when He tells her she's
out of line instead of repentence, no longer even making an attempt to
speak in third person offline, putting herself first when she's
speaking of the two of them instead of Him, reverting to speaking out
of turn or over top of Him instead of listening and waiting until He
asks for her opinion, getting frustrated when He makes her act as slave
instead of princess. And she can't figure out where she fell. And she's
even more unsure as to why she's made no attempt to pick herself back
up.

she's often reminded of her father's favorite phrase
growing up ("This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.") and
sometimes, she sees it applying. When Master has to say things to her
that she refuses to see for herself (even though she knows it's there),
or when she completely obliterates the boundaries she's supposed to
stay within.

she thinks one of the things that is
becoming difficult for her to get passed is knowing that she is both
wife and slave. When there comes a time that the line is distinctly
drawn and for the sake of the slave Master has to ignore the wife,
rayne gets this "But i'm Your wife!" mindset and allows this to anger
or annoy her. Wives aren't treated this way! she purposely
ignores the fact that slaves are. Firmly plants herself in the role of
the wife (which is never supposed to be put in front of the role of the
slave) and pretends she's still that bull-headed tomboy she was in high
school. In short, she acts like a spoiled brat – the princess slave
that she swore she'd never be.

And it's not what she
wants. It's not who she is. What she wants and who she is are both one
and the same. The slave, the slut, her Master's whore. Property, plain
and simple. And yet, every time He chooses to treat her that way, she
balks. she becomes sullen and distant, seemingly disinterested.

This
"But i'm Your wife" thing is getting out of control. she finds ways to
apply it to everything. Suddenly things that she has known were out of
her control for years she's trying to wrap her fist around and hold in
place. And she's wondering what she's so afraid of.

Because
that's the feeling behind it all. Fear. A tight, gripping fear that has
balled up inside her chest and is now clawing at her rib cage trying to
force its way out. Is she afraid of being herself? And if so, why? Is
she, oddly, afraid of what others might think? And since when does that
matter to her? Is she afraid of giving Him what He wants? And if that's
the case, why? Having what He wants can only benefit her, so why would
it frighten her?

 

she used to be afraid that
if she was what He wanted, He'd add another slave (or woman) into their
relationship, knowing that she would behave being truly slave and well
trained. she was afraid that would lead to Him finding someone that was
better than her (which is a rather large posibility) and kick her out,
or, worse in her eyes (though it shouldn't be – that He would allow her
to remain should be viewed by her as far better than Him making her
leave), make her second to that person. But she got over that fear,
finally accepting what He told her as truth, quite some time ago. And
there's been no one He's spoken to in length in ages so there's no
reason for it to resurface (not that there would be if He had).

So
perhaps to find the answers to the questions she's posed in this entry,
she must just let go. Put out her arms and free fall, as she once
advised a dear friend of hers to do. she shouldn't look below herself
expecting Him to be there. If she hits the ground, it did not please
Him to catch her and that is something she must accept. And that is
where she really hits a brick wall. she thinks: But i want Him to
be there! i want Him to help me through all this! i want to be
important to Him and for Him to love me and want me with Him. i want to
know that all these things are true and that He will nurture me through
these irrational fears and suppositions. He should be there!
she places all these expectations, nay, these demands on Him receiving her slavery. she lays claim to rights she doesn't have.

And now she feels like she's going to throw up. Guilt and self-loathing are eating at her.

 

Thank
You, Master, for allowing Your property to put her feet back on the
path to where she belongs – at Your feet. she is grateful, though she
knows she doesn't show it well, for all You've done for her and put up
with.

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