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Lack of Entry, Owning Responsibility, and kaylee

February 27th, 2006

rayne realizes she didn"t put an entry up on the twenty-fifth, and she should have. We had a prior engagement and spent most of the day away and when we finally returned, she had forgotten all about it. It"s no excuse. It"s still a punishable offense. And she will make an effort to pay more attention to her responsibilities from now on.

While we"re speaking of things that she didn"t do that she should
have, today she was supposed to get up forty minutes before Master and
workout. she didn"t. The reason is simple – she didn"t know what time
Master wanted to get up and so she didn"t set the alarm. Once again,
however, it"s no excuse. she should have made an effort to find out
what time He wanted to be up and set the alarm so that she could be up
and workout before He was up – even if it meant crawling back into bed
and going back to sleep because He decided He wasn"t ready to get up
yet.

This, ladies and gents, is owning responsibility.
It"s a part of the treatment plan in rehab that rayne ignored. Quite
often, Master asks why rayne does something she shouldn"t and her
response is "Well, You did this and Your slave reacted. Granted, she
reacted badly, but it"s Your fault. You shouldn"t have done that."
Uh… hello? Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture?
Master does. He has called her on it repeatedly.

While
rayne is, naturally, a very reactive person and that isn"t always a bad
thing, her reactions need to be in line with what is expected of her.
"Well, You were pissy and rayne didn"t understand what she had done, so
she was pissy back." "you don"t have the right to be pissy, rayne."
"Then You shouldn"t get pissy with me!" Again she says – Uh… hello?

There"s
a lot within the bounds of slavery that has completely slipped rayne"s
mind. And she exploits Master"s busy schedule knowing that the most
she"ll get is a talking to because He"s too busy to take time out to
actually punish her. Talk about unslavelike. This is something she
needs to work on. Owning responsibility for her actions and getting
back on track. Master should be able to lead a busy life without having
to babysit.

 

Now on to kaylee. Who"s kaylee? Ahhhh, rayne thought you"d never ask. kaylee is a slave that writes essays and such. They"re posted at Gor on Earth.
The reason rayne"s mentioning her now is because tonight when going
through her bookmarks (editing the list cause there"s so many she
hasn"t looked at in years) she realized that once upon a time she used
to read kaylee"s writing as often as possible, even before Master and
rayne were Gorean. This one doesn"t always agree with her opinions, but
there are things that make sense – even if rayne doesn"t particularly
like it. And it helped rayne to grasp just where she belongs and how
much she loves being there.

Tonight it made this slave
realize just how much trouble she has with the phrase "just a slave".
Everytime she hears it, sees it, thinks it she balks, thrashing at the
reins and gnawing at the bit wanting to turn and run. Just a slave?
Just a slave??!? How could rayne ever be "just a slave"??!? she waits
on Master hand and foot! she loves Him beyond description! she gives
everything she is to Him! she"s committed her entire life to Him!
But make no mistake. she is just a slave.

"Just
a slave" is a new concept for rayne, only introduced in August of last
year – when Master and rayne made the switch from BDSM Master and slave
to Gorean Master and slave. There were things that coincided with the
two, but just a slave she was not. slave and wife and she made
sure everyone knew it. she was important, damnit, and if the other
subs/slaves forgot it, she made sure to remind them. Gods she was a
terror – still is sometimes.

In reading the phrase "just a
slave" she is reminded that everything she is and everything she has
and everything she could be depends entirely upon Master. And suddenly
she"s scared all over again. But what if she becomes dependent? What if she fails Him? What if He wants out? Does being "just a slave" make her unimportant? Is she unimportant? Should she be worried about whether or not she"s important? Gods the questions are endless and suddenly she"s frantic with worry.

The
feelings and thoughts are almost impossible to describe. And for once,
rayne"s left without answers. The only thing she"s sure of is that even
if her worries were true she"d still want to be slave. And that brings
a whole different strain of questions to light. And she almost doesn"t
want answers to the rest because she fears the blow would be
devastating.

she used to think that she had no fears.
That nothing could ever get under her skin. The truth is, she has many.
And one is being so unimportant that Master could replace her and never
know the difference (except that there would be someone that looks
different bowing to His will). And then she wonders Should this one
even worry about that? Is it her place? Or should she only think of
what makes Him happy? And should she ignore her own devastation at Him
finding someone to replace her if it makes Him happy to do so?

she
doesn"t know what else she"d like to be besides "just a slave". she
thinks the biggest issue she has with the phrase is it makes the person
who says it sound like they"re putting her down. Like they"re better
than her – better people – because they"re not slaves. As if she"s a
bad person or worthless because she"s "just a slave". And maybe she is.
And maybe she shouldn"t concern herself with things like that. And now
she"s wondering when she started caring what other people think of her.
And from a Gorean view point, people who aren"t slaves are to the
slaves whatever they say they are and slaves aren"t to question it.

There
is a misconception, she thinks, that online slaves like to portray. The
idea that they know everything there is to know about slavery and that
they have nothing else to learn. rayne is far from expert. she has been
at this for three years, and she still feels like only yesterday she
begged to be made slave. And she feels like she knows as much as she
did three years ago. Or maybe less.

 

There"s more but she has no idea how to put her thoughts into words. Think she"s gonna go read some more.

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