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Pain Tolerance

December 8th, 2005

rayne was bumbling around on a BDSM forum today and she ran into a submissive complaining about having no pain tolerance. She"s upset because she"s afraid this will cause her to lose her Dom. She"s willing to back out if only so that he may find happiness with another. While that"s sweet, rayne thinks the girl would be silly to just give up. So she"ll start by posting what she posted on the forum here:

–Something that has yet to be mentioned in any of the posts she
read is that any relationship, no matter the pretenses, is a process.
You can"t just jump in and have everything be perfect immediately. It"s
that simple. And it"s equally as important, if not more so, to remember
this about a D/s relationship whether it involves s/m or not.

 

rayne"s been a rl 24/7 slave to her Master/Husband for three years
(collaring anniversary just passed and wedding anniversary is the 15th
of this month). she was raised in an extremely sarcastic household
where joking around was the norm and so it is part of her personality.
Since this was a specifc part of your comment, let her touch on this
for a moment. The only thing that a humerous/sarcastic submissive
really has to learn is when it"s appropriate. At least in rayne"s
experience, Master doesn"t want her to stop having a sense of humor or
joking around or using sarcasm in her daily conversation. It"s part of
who she is and part of who He fell in love with and removing it from
their daily interaction would, in a sense, be removing a part of her
and thus a part of their relationship. He does, however, require her to
know when it is inappropriate for her to behave this way.

 

An example would be, on occasion, when rayne is upset about something
and Master says something she doesn"t particularly want to hear, she
snaps back with a sarcastic retort as she would with someone who is her
equal. Appropriate? Maybe in a conversation with another slave. With
her Master? Not in the least. Because of her upbringing, she has
trouble sometimes biting back the responses she would have given
growing up. Is this acceptable? Of course not. And she is usually
punished for it. That may sound cruel but if He let her slide because
it"s how she was brought up how would He ever mold her to what He wants
her to be? However, if the mood is light and we"re having a simple
conversation and rayne pops back with a sarcastic joke or something,
then it is acceptable. Confusing? Not really. Not if you know what"s
expected and your Dominant is consistent with how they react.

 

As for your aversion to being punished, you wouldn"t be "normal" (what
is normal anyway?) if you liked it. And rayne doesn"t mean sexual
scenes when you"re beat for pleasure. It annoys her when people call
this punishment because it really isn"t and can be confusing. However,
an important factor in being punished is that you keep your mind on the
reason you"re being punished and not think about anything else (except
ways you could have avoided what got you punished in the first place).
Part of the reason you find yourself resenting him for punishing you is
because you"re thinking about all this other stuff when it"s happening.
Maybe you should talk to your Dom about a different approach to
punishing you when you do something wrong. Perhaps you could, say,
write essays or something of the like that will teach you to keep your
mind focused on what you did wrong and your punishment and avoid
corporal punishment for a while.

 

This will also help
your "failure to be a painslut". Personally, rayne doesn"t view this as
you failing him and doesn"t believe you should either. So let"s get to
how to fix it instead of thinking about the "problem". If for a while,
the two of you follow rayne"s suggestion (restricting pain to pleasure
and finding another way to punish you, avoiding corporal punishment for
the time being), you can work on your ability to tolerate pain without
the resentment of "He"s punishing me."

 

Sometimes it"s
difficult for the mind to separate pain play from corporal punishment,
which leaves you with icky feelings because you"re not sure if he just
beat you because you did something wrong or because he wanted to play.
If we make punishment NEVER involve pain (at least for a start) your
mind will learn to separate the two with no problem, thus solving one
problem. As for the next one, your tolerance. rayne is a major
painslut. But occasionally, she can"t deal with very much pain unless
she"s already extremely arroused. Since you like the light stuff, have
him start by getting you aroused, then hurt you until you can"t take
anymore… but be HONEST about what you can take. How rayne did it was,
she waited till she "couldn"t take it anymore", then held her frantic
reactions back a few minutes (or strokes of the flogger) until she
REALLY couldn"t take it anymore, then let go. Oddly enough, for the
most part Master has always known before rayne did when she was done
and He usually stopped before she got to that point.

 

Just like building a relationship, building a pain tolerance is a
process. But anyone can do it with constant practice. Have him start
slow and light and slowly build to your pain threshold. You"ll see that
it soon takes longer for you to reach it"s end.–

 

 

 

People seem to forget that everything takes time. We get into this "I
want it and I want it now" mindset about life and then when things
don"t immediately spring into what we invisioned them to be, we panic.
And this is true for all facets of life. Faith, our career,
relationships, our dreams. Quite often we give up on it all because it
hasn"t developed as fast as we would have liked. Nothing worth having
is instantaneous. Everything in life, both physical and metaphorical,
takes time to grow. Even independently wealthy people didn"t get that
way by everyone around them sitting on their asses. Someone at some
point had to cultivate their wealth in some way for it to have grown.

Relationships
are like a finely aged wine or cheese. If you eat or drink them the
minute they"re prepared, the flavor is MUCH different than if you had
waited until the process was finished. Don"t push. Things will turn out
how they should in the end. You have to give it time. (And sis – you
know who you are – this goes for you too. Stop pushing. You"ll heal
with time. Also… pop online soon? rayne misses you.)

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