rayne is reading Hunters right now. It is proving to be full of enlightenment. As she reads, she thinks of the Masters that only allow their slaves to read one or two of the books and refuse to read any themselves. They are missing out. There is so much to be learned about oneself in this series. So much for both a Master and a slave to recognize within themselves.

In reading these books, rayne is beginning to somewhat understand
the transitions in her growth as a slave. she reads about the surrender
of Verna and how Masters exact from slaves complete submission. she
reads about how a slave is rendered helpless by her own desire to
belong to a man and how slaves are so obviously different from Free
Women that a skilled eye can pick a slave out of a crowd of Free Women
though she be robed and veiled, and vice versa. And she wonders if
these things are true about herself.

On reading the words
in these books, she is reminded of her refusal to completely let go.
This one preaches about freefalling, about being who you are and
allowing yourself to be caught by a Master, and she doesn"t always do
that herself. she locks who she is away and guards the key jealously.
Even from He who truly owns her. And she wonders why she is allowed to
do this.

And then she remembers days and nights when she
was bound to the cross by her own hands begging Him to force her to
submit. To show her who she is. To Master her completely. she remembers
a night when He forced her to the mattress and took what He wanted from
her with no concern for what she wanted. And she remembers within
minutes, seconds maybe, submitting completely to His will, crying out
and begging for more, thrashing wildly under His touch and being
completely who she is. she remembers whispered words of praise and how
good it made her feel to finally and completely show herself to Him.
her thighs clenching tightly to His, her ankles locked behind His
frame, her entire body clinging tight to Him, begging Him to stay
inside her, to take what He wanted.

And this girl
understands, then, that she isn"t allowed to guard the key to who she
is. she understands that she doesn"t even hold it. It is He who carries
it close to Him. And He unlocks her when He chooses to.

That
would be a good stopping point, but her mind is reeling. she"s thinking
about what it is to be slave and why she seems to fight it so often.
she"s wondering if there truly is a difference between her and other
women. she"s thinking about the Gorean belief that in every woman there
is a Free Companion and a slave. And she"s marveling at the fact that
she finds this to be true of herself, though she wishes nothing more
than to be slave.

Sometimes, as she reads the books, she
finds herself completely confused. she wonders why a man would even
want a Free Companion when they can have a slave. A million slaves. And
then she wonders why women want to be free. And then she knows herself
slave. When she realizes she loves her chains, that she is freer within
them than she could ever be without, she knows that while there may be
a Free Companion inside her, she will never be anything more than slave.