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A Good Slave

October 20th, 2005

A Jarl (Gorean Man from Torvaldsland – The Difference Between a Jarl and a Master) recently said to rayne, "you are a good slave. you"re not afraid to show your desire for your Master." He said that it"s in everything rayne does. And while her first thought was, "Really? Hmm." (not sarcastic… she seriously didn"t realize it until He said something), what she said was, "How could she not?"

When it comes to Master, this one very much wears her heart on her
sleeve. While she could stand in front of anyone else and pretend that
nothing in the world could ever bother her, when she is before Him, she
crumbles. Everything she is thinking and/or feeling is written all over
her. All her hopes and dreams, her heartaches and fears, her desires
and needs… everything shows. It has been that way almost from the
start.

Master reads rayne like an open book and when He
uses her, He plays her like a well-tuned piano. And sometimes, it
scares her. she knows you"re asking why. rayne has always had trouble
with letting people get close. Abandonment is her biggest fear. Holding
people at arms length, for the longest time, was her biggest flaw. But
He taught her that it was okay to freefall once in a while. To just put
out her arms and jump. And He would be there to catch her.

Sometimes, it takes a while to teach this lesson. Trust isn"t an easy
thing to earn. Especially from someone who has been burned a zillion
and one times before. And it"s even more difficult to earn in a
Master/slave relationship, this one thinks. Because a Master is asking
a slave to put her life, her well-being in His hands. He"s asking her
to freefall. To just put out her arms and jump. And He"s telling her
that He"ll be there to catch her. And He expects her to believe.

rayne doesn"t think that the earning of trust should be rushed. While it would be nice to find the perfect slave for You and BAM
she trusts You, this one doesn"t think the situation would be ideal.
And could You really trust someone that"s willing to trust that easily?
rayne would wonder why they have nothing to lose.

Now
she thinks, perhaps, she lets people in too easily. she has such a
desperate need for a friend that is slave – if only to talk about
things that slaves can empathize with and a Free never could. And she
makes the mistake of telling them that she doesn"t make friends easily.
That she doesn"t deal with females well. That she prefers to be alone,
really, because when you"re alone, no one can hurt you. And then,
either personalities clash or trust is broken and this one ends up
hurt. she"s so tired of losing people she thought were her friends.

As
for trust the other way, in rayne"s attempt to hold Master at arms
length, she did a lot of damage to His trust in her. This is something
she intends to remedy. With this, though, needs to come the ability to
talk about her thoughts and feelings and not just show them. Admit when
something"s wrong and not just make it obvious that she"s bothered by
it. This one still has great difficulty with that. Showing she"s hurt
or angry or sad or happy or whatever she happens to be feeling is the
easiest thing in the world. Saying "This is why: blah!" is damn near
impossible for her. she just… chokes up.

The biggest
issue she has is she feels like she shouldn"t be feeling what she is.
Like she"s thinking about things in the wrong light. And when this
happens, she feels like she has to come to terms with it herself before
she can act on it. Including discussing it with Master. Or, she"s had
the discussion a hundred times with Him and for some reason the same
feelings have started again.

Most of it is circled
around fear. rayne has a serious problem admitting she"s afraid. she"ll
climb the highest mountain and leap from the summit without a
parachute, hands trembling, heart racing, and never once say "This
scares me." When she was a kid, fear was not an option. So admitting
she has it now, when she"s an adult? It"s a hundred times worse.

But
all of this is irrelevant. Master demands, as most should and do, that
rayne be completely honest with Him about any thoughts or feelings she
has. He wills her to open her mouth and speak when something is
bothering her. Or when she"s bouncing off the walls, what made her feel
this way? Is there something He should know? Is there something He did
or she did or someone else did to affect her mood? And whether or not
He"s going to like what she says, according to Him, should not be a
factor in her decision to tell Him. There shouldn"t even really be a
question to what her decision is.

The "decision making
process" should be simple, as He"s already outlined what she is to do
in this situation. It should be "There"s something on rayne"s mind.
she"s required to tell Master. Master, Your girl has something to tell
You: Blah." with no hesitation between A, B, or C. No corners cut or
extra thoughts tucked in. No "What if it makes Him mad?" or "What if it
hurts His feelings?" or "What if this one gets in trouble?" her fate is
not her concern. It is her Master"s and her Master"s only. If, for some
reason, her thoughts and feelings (or how she got to them) get her in
trouble, she should act as though she is at her Master"s mercy. Because
she is. And she put herself there. And she needs to remember all of the
things that entails and behave accordingly. If only because she
wants… no she needs Him to trust her again.

So, a good
slave? Yes, on IRC, for the most part, she serves well and she strives
to be found pleasing. she says and does all the right things. she acts
the way a Gorean IRC slave should. she hungers for knowledge and eats
it up like candy. But in real life? In real life she"s still learning
what a slave is. And she"s not so sure she"s a good one.

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