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Conversation and another punishment

August 13th, 2005

Master and I had a long conversation today about the tone of my journal (which is password protected) and my blog. Master says I doesn’t sound happy and that things I say jive with things I’m supposed to do and/or am supposed to believe. Such as my unwillingness to accept that I am a slave and Master has the right to speak to, sleep with, own, etc. anyone He wishes. Well, that’s not the right way to word it. I have accepted it. I’m just not altogether comfortable with it.

Master mentioned that I have the desire to be used by more than just Him and I agree that it isn’t entirely fair for me to have this desire, feel there’s nothing wrong with it, and then freak out when Master expresses the same desire. And when I shove aside all my selfish tendencies, I  see that the actual idea of Master using another slave doesn’t bother me. It’s the thought that another slave will become a part of His life and I will be pushed aside.

I’m in the process of making Master His dinner as I write this and I’m thinking about everything that has gone on in the past few days. I think back on my sudden revelation and try to piece it together with these conflicting feelings.

Seven days ago, I had some interesting revelations. Things I should have known about myself all along but somehow didn’t. I know that if Master didn’t want me anymore, I would want someone else to own me. And I’m pretty confident that Master would find someone to sell me to. But at the same time, I know that I would be devastated, for a number of reasons, in no particular order of importance. The one, though, in the foremost of my mind right now, is the realization that I am completely in love with this man I call Master and Husband. And it makes it difficult, at times to shut off these emotions and fears.

While I think on it, I realize that these “feelings” aren’t tied to anger or depression. They aren’t tied to unhappiness or disappointment. They aren’t even really tied to jealousy or hurt. They are completely tied to anxiety. Fear. Worry that I will lose the one thing that is important in my life. My Master. And Master has warned me that another girl will not come between us… My unwillingness to stop being foolish and just relax allowing myself to be what I am.

Master mentioned to me a journal entry in which I talked about my ability to manipulate Him to my will. In the journal, I mentioned how even the fear of one of my tantrums is enough to make Master back down, even when I have no problem with something He has said or done. This was before Master decided enough was enough. This was before Master decided to take a firmer hand with me and immediately punish me for any disobedience or disrespectful behavior.

In the journal entry, I also mentioned that I didn’t want this. That I knew this was wrong. And that I wanted to fix it. Needed to fix it. You see, I don’t just like to serve or like to have my life controlled by someone else. I need it. It burns in my gut. The mere thought of pleasing someone else makes me soar. The idea that someone might simply be satisfied by me doing something as simple as serving them a drink makes me feel like a million bucks.

It is this need that makes learning to live as a Gorean slave so intriguing to me. Granted, the Kaverns are only online, but there, I am to offer service to any free man or woman who comes in. I’m to serve them to the best of my ability, describing each movement, feeling, part of myself, and be as pleasing as possible. And most of what I do there can be translated to real life (i.e. how I kneel, offering food or drink to Master from my knees instead of just putting His plate in front of Him, begging for mercy when I’m in trouble, etc).

Today I made a grievous error. First, I didn’t leap to serve one of the keepers of the home (I wasn’t sure if I should) and then when I finally served him, I forgot to kneel before him once I had everything to offer. I was so embarrassed, I started to cry in rl. Thankfully, the master was understanding and told me of my error and spoke to me a minute before sending me on my way. Master of me decided punishment was in order and because of my big mouth (I said good punishment for me would be to write current event reports), I had to write a report on Gaza. “A report on Gaza,” you say. “Why… that’s the most absurd punishment I’ve ever heard!” I HATE reading the news.

I’m currently walking on cloud nine. While I feel like I’ve climbed inside this new skin and it’s a little tight, I love the feel and it’s becoming my own. When I originally was talking with friends about this move, I spoke of how nervous I was and how I didn’t think I could do it. I still gets nervous every time I stand to offer my service. I often forget where I was and have to reread my last post. I’m not quite as good as the rest of the girls. But it’s so natural for me. I feel like I’ve been doing this all my life.

This is what I was made for. And I can’t wait to get home tomorrow night to go back to the Kaverns.

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