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Now that I have more time…

August 6th, 2005

… I’ll talk about last night and the reason for my third person speech. I’ll begin with the latter.

Master has decided that I need more structure in my life. I think I’ve mentioned that already, but can’t quite remember how in depth I got. Master thinks that Gor is a good direction to go in since there is so much ritual and tradition in Gor. He believes that it will teach me my place and help me stay in it. I agree but am a bit nervous. What if I let Him down? I couldn’t bear another failure.

While it would appear that I have mostly mastered third person speech (or slave speak) online, in person this has proven to be a more arduous task. I have trouble remembering that I, me, my, etc. is inappropriate. This is more force of habit than anything else but I don’t want to appear presumptuous either.

I’ve also started kneeling and serving Master His meals like I used to a long time ago. The tiny space in which I have to kneel (due to the wall and the microwave stand) prevents me from spreading my thighs as is required of me, but I do my best. For the first time, last night when I forgot to kneel, Master cleared His throat and I instantly lowered myself to my knees embarrassed at my mistake. I’ve forgotten to kneel before, but Master let it slide. And now, as I write this, I realize that I didn’t kneel this morning when serving Master His breakfast.

Last night I made some interesting revelations. Well, perhaps not revelations so much as admitting things to myself and to Master. When I’m finished explaining them, my readers will probably be confused how I could not have understood this about myself earlier.

Master went into the bedroom last night and hid under the covers, as we do once in a while (He’s been beating me to it lately… I’ll have to be faster). I crawled in bed with Master and draped my arm over Him and He bit me! I tried to yank away but Master grabbed my hair and my arm and pinned me. I began to fight, for reasons unknown to myself. I tried fervently to yank away and with each thrust of my body Master tightened His grip telling me “You can’t fight me, slave.”

I won’t go into all the grisly details of the evening. My readers, I’m sure, can guess where this led. I will, however, speak about our conversation, as this is where my point lies.

Master asked me all sorts of questions. “What are you, slut?” “A slave, Master.” “Who owns you, slave?” “You do, Master.” He asked me what I would be if I wasn’t owned and I answered “A slave, Master.” He asked me if He were to decide that He no longer wished me as His slave would I wish to be released or given/sold to another master. I answered that I would rather the latter.

He asked me if I would always want to be owned and I said that I would. He began to speak of my desire to please men. How making men happy makes me happy. Master said to me “Slave wasn’t a true slave before, was she?” and I replied, “No, Master. I wasn’t.” The reason I answered this way is because it is the truth.

Before, I believed that if not with Master, I would not be a slave. I felt that if I were to be placed in the care of another I would not be willing or able to submit. I believed that I would only ever be slave to one man. Now I know that this is not true. I know that I’m a slave. No matter who owns me, I will always be a slave. This, and only this, is true slavery in our minds.

We feel if you are only willing to submit to one person, you are not really a slave, but a play actor who chooses to do what you feel will make your lover happy. This is not who I am. I, while I would rather only be owned by Master Melen as I am hopelessly in love with Him (and married to Him), am a slave regardless of who owns me. And this is the “revelation” of which I speak.

Master told me that He loves me and that He’ll keep me… for now. *grin* I thanked Him and cuddled with Him for a little while. Master also told me that I should be proud of myself because I am finally able to admit to Him and to myself that I will always be a slave, no matter who I am owned by. I was able to admit that I enjoys being controlled by men and that making men happy makes me happy. This is an accomplishment for me.

I’m slightly stressed by this conversation. I’m afraid that my answers hurt Master. Hurting Master is something I never want to do again. I’m aware of my past failures and hope never to repeat those mistakes. And I’m making a conscious effort to be sure that I don’t. Including *gasp* watching my mouth.

I was told that some believe I don’t express herself well because I say “I” too much. I guess it is true that when discussing my personal thoughts and feelings I don’t stop to think of how I could express them without using “I” so often. That is mostly because this blog is not some professional article or anything.

While I try to be articulate in my speech and get my thoughts across in the most efficient way possible, I don’t really care whether or not it’s perfect. I think of this blog more like a journal or sounding board. Somewhere I can express my thoughts freely (so long as they don’t bring embarrassment to Master) and not have to worry about criticism or something of the like.

So I’ll reiterate, here, the concept I mentioned in my bio section. If you don’t like it, don’t look. I’m not interested in criticism on the way I write my blog. Comments on the concepts are okay. There are sections for questions and comments in the forums. My stories, on the other hand, I would enjoy some constructive criticism on.

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