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July 11th, 2005

She’s not perfect!

Okay, so that’s not a very nice thing to be triumphant about. And
it really doesn’t make me feel better. I still feel like a terrible
person. But she defined herself as a brat today. And that means I’m not
the only one (I wonder what she’d think if she knew I talk about her in
my blog – at least it’s not bad stuff).

For the first time since I promised never to do it again, I lied to Master today. It wasn’t a big lie, but it was a lie just the same. I told Him that I’ve
been up since seven this morning unable to sleep. He asked me why and I
told Him that I didn’t know. The truth is, I can’t stop thinking about
her. I can’t stop thinking about how messed up it is that I’ve been at
this for 3 years and she’s been at this for 13 days and she’s better at
it than me. It makes my heart ache and my mind spin. I’ve got to do
something about it.

I only have 10 more rules to memorize and I have to figure out how to upload images and html code to a browser and then I’ve at least done the majority of the goals part of
my review. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I will still fail
because I haven’t learned to watch my mouth. I really am trying. It’s
so difficult. Master says “If you had respect for Me it wouldn’t be
difficult.” That’s not the case! I do respect Him very much. I’ve just
been a sarcastic little bitch all my life. *sigh

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