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Something Else…

July 1st, 2005

…I need to accomplish is to learn to admit when I’m wrong. I don’t know how it came about, because I used to be really good about accepting when I screw up and admitting it to myself and to Master and to anyone else that needed to know. Now there’s just this terrible fear of being found wanting and being pushed aside. And so I try to make it not my fault. “Well if you hadn’t have done this, I wouldn’t have done that!” or “You just want to be mad at me.” or “You always make a big deal out of nothing.

my sarcasm and overall lack of respect when talking to Master isn’t
nothing and I seriously should stop viewing it that way (yet another
thing I need to accomplish). I’m not entirely sure why I do it. my only
“excuse” is I’ve always been a sarcastic bitch. I don’t even know when
I’m doing it most times because it has been my natural reaction to
everything since I was small. It’s not a viable excuse, this I know. I
should “fix” it. I’m just not sure I know how. maybe a few sound beatings and a constant gag would work *shrug*.
Ugh.
I’ve got a month to finish learning my rules. I think I have the basics
of html down and only have to learn CSS but I’ve yet to find a good CSS
“tutorial”. Master gave me the url to something but it’s weird. It’s
obviously written by someone who has been doing websites for a while
and they define the terms but don’t really “define” the terms. I’m like
“I’m not a techie! How the hell am I gonna learn anything from this?”
So I went looking for another one and I plan on working on that.

I need to move on to getting more into the technical part of html. I
realized, while working on the tutorial I found, that I had already
learned most of what I needed to know by playing around on deviantART.
I’ve now learned anchors and how to make your page jump around from
section to section. I need to learn how to make it pretty now. The last
thing in the world I want to do is make a plain website.

Speaking of websites, Master is working on this one. He’s redesigning
it and making it into a site for both of us. There will be a section
for both of our thoughts and words, which might turn it into a sort of
conversation between us. We do that sometimes with our journals on
deviantART because sometimes it’s just easier to express what we’re
thinking somewhere that the other has to see exactly what we’re saying
unless they just do not read it.

I whined about my butterfly because He was thinking about removing it so He’s decided to
leave it. I guess it has just become part of me *shrug*. I’m so
excited. I can’t wait for the site to be finished and become “ours”.

I’ve written a new story and plan to post it here soon. I’ve also got
quite a few poems and such that I want to post here. I’m not going to
post any of my “nilla” stuff here, ever. I think it is better suited
somewhere else. I’m in the process of writing a nilla book and will
announce when I have finished it and perhaps if/when I publish it. I
plan to begin by putting it on cafepress.com until I can find an agent
and sell it to a publisher. I hope it does well.

In the beginning of August I hope to have more time to work on it. I’m sure
I’ll have new goals to work on for Master but August 31st is my last
day of work and unless I have a new job by then I’ll be home for a
while. We’ll see how it goes.

My dream is to be trained well enough to be trusted outside of the house, have a book published, make enough money to go to college and get a really nice cushy job, and
then write as a side project. Maybe make enough money on our next book
to settle all our debts and get us a big house on a lake somewhere.
Something custom built. I already have a layout in mind. And I would
want a “tropical” man-made lagoon or something minus the aminals so
that we can swim in it.

While I realize the ideal is to keep the slave at home, I would love to be able to give Him everything He could ever hope for. Let Him point at something He wants and be able
to buy it without a second thought. I know money can’t buy love. And I
don’t need it to. I’ve already got that. I just wish I could give Him
everything He could ever hope for. Guess I’ll have to start with giving
Him His perfect slave.

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