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What’s This Life For?

October 15th, 2004

So it was bound to happen. And it has. rayne has entered a rather dark period in her life. i guess i spent too much time running away from the dark parts of me and not enough time examining them.

What am i talking about? Well i've spent the last few weeks not
noticing when the light is off until i realize i can't see what i'm
doing (i'm night blind… even a little bit of darkness can make things
difficult), sitting in the dark alone staring at nothing, and feeling
like i'm standing completely naked in a room full of strangers. An
insane amount of panic attacks, severe depression, and just all around
ickiness.

So what am i gonna do about it? Well to begin
with, i'm going to pay more attention to Master as i've been seriously
lacking in that department. And i intend to go about getting rid of
these problems the way i did when He and i first got together. By
ignoring any outside influences, refusing to worry about anything that
doesn't need my direct attention, and forcing myself to smile until one
day i realize that, while i like the night life, i'm not trying to
disappear into the shadows anymore.

Only, this time, i
plan to deal with the things that are hiding in the shadows instead of
running from them. Otherwise, i'll be right back where i started.

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