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you’re Hurting Me.

August 30th, 2004

i never thought those words could ever affect me. Once upon a time, i was the type of person that would stare you down and then laugh in your face if you said those words to me. Once upon a time, there wasn't much that could get under my skin. i didn't feel sympathy. Sympathy was for the weak. i didn't feel regret. Why regret your actions? Learn from them. i didn't feel guilt. Why should i? It's not my fault you can't deal with my words/thoughts/actions.

Once upon a time is gone. And i'm not sure where i lost it. i'm not
sure where it faded away. i think it happened somewhere between the
first time i looked into His beautiful brown eyes and when i begged for
His collar. i'm not saying i want it back. i just don't know what
happened to me.

The other night there was yet another
altercation. i'm starting to think i'll never learn. And, while i was bound
to the cross, He said to me "If you want to know, yes, you're hurting
me." i looked up with the intention of staring at Him blankly, saw the
anguish in His eyes, and instantly starting crying.

i've been so frustrated lately. my step daughter has come to live with
us and because she's here, Master can't beat me. And it's driving me
insane. i never realized how much i crave/need pain. i'm like a fucking
junkie with a new addiction. It's to the point that i'm struggling with
the temptation of cutting myself just to feel it. Not to kill myself,
mind you. i'm far from suicidal. Just for the pain.

aforementioned night, Master put cinnamon oil on my pussy as part of my
punishment. It was the biggest fucking tease i've ever felt. i wanted
to grab the bottle and dump it all over me in hopes it would have at
least a similar affect on the rest of my skin. i wanna like… send her
to her mother's for a night or two, lay out all the toys on the bed and
crawl to Master with the cane between my teeth to beg to be beaten. And
considering how much i hate the cane, that's seriously saying

It's been at least a month. i'm sure it's been longer. i didn't know that you could go through adrenaline withdrawl. FUCK!


*crawls off to a corner to cry*

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