Archive for October 16th, 2003

Abuse vs. Sadomasochism

October 16th, 2003 Comments off

The ever popular debate, argument, paradox…whatever you’d like to call it. I have to admit, I’m slightly confused. I’m sure I’m not the only one. This probably isn’t going to make me very popular, but they say opinions are like ass holes. Take me with a grain of salt and move on.

Basically what it comes down to is where is the line drawn? Where do we say, “Wait a minute. This isn’t sadomasochism anymore. This is abuse.”? When do we (as submissives) say, “This isn’t what I signed up for.”?

Scenario 1: “My owner gave me a safe word and insisted that I use it when something happens that I can’t handle. He promised that he would stop if I used my safe word, but last week we were playing and I called out “red light” and he kept going. I called it out a few more times but he wouldn’t stop. When he finally stopped I was hysterical. He said he didn’t hear me and apologized about a hundred times and I believed him. But last night, it happened again.”

Okay, maybe this girl’s owner has a hearing problem. Doubtful. In this case, I would say abuse. The line is drawn. He said if she used her safe word, he would stop. Period. There’s no, “Well, I thought she might be able to take just a little more.” No, “I’m in charge here. I say what goes.” Yeah, you’re in charge. And you should be in charge of a jail cell. The two of you agreed on a safe word. In your relationship, calling out your safe word means STOP. Period.

Scenario 2: “My owner and I filled out a check list at the beginning of our relationship, and we discussed limits I absolutely will not cross. Things that I would be able to walk away upon him doing them. Things that I just can’t and won’t deal with. I don’t have a safe word but before I was collared we agreed that these limits wouldn’t be crossed or even pushed, and that if they were, I could give him back his collar and the contract was terminated. A few weeks ago, we were playing, and it got kind of out of hand, and he crossed some of my limits. I freaked and he tried to console me saying he got carried away in the moment and he was sorry. But the other day, he did it again.”

Once again, abuse. Limits were set. The submissive drew firm lines that she would not cross. Hell, she even gave him another chance when he crossed them. The second time tells me that he doesn’t particularly care where the lines are drawn. That he’s going to do what he wants, when he wants, whether she likes it or not. In my relationship with Master, that would fly. I gave up all rights. Dropped all limits. Told Him, “Do with me as you please.” In the relationship described here, that isn’t the case. She drew firm lines between what she would and wouldn’t do. Which brings me to:  Read more…