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Consent to Nonconsent

October 10th, 2003

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m absolutely petrified of the crop. Probably because Master mostly only uses it to punish me. And boy, does it have the desired affect. Last night we were playing around and he grabbed the crop and held it high and blew kisses at me trying to get me to kiss him. All I could do was cower and cry. But the crop and I have always had a love/hate relationship. And right now I love to hate it. Of course, the other night is still fresh in my mind.

All right. I think I’ll talk about my original idea for a minute and then let you be on your way.

There’s a lot of controversy on the issue of consent as far as a D/s relationship is concerned. As I have said before, I can’t speak accurately for online relationships because I have never been an online slave. But I can speak on what I see and what I feel is necessary.

Most of this is just common courtesy. Most of us wouldn’t just walk into a bar and get on our knees and start licking some stranger’s foot. If you would, well then to each their own, but you might want to get that checked.  🙂   

The same common courtesy is called for in a channel/room online. Don’t just walk in and contaminate the first person you see with your saliva. If you wish to speak to someone privately, ask their permission. Some people enjoy the non-consensual stuff. If that’s the case, go somewhere that it’s welcome.

But the real issue of consent I want to discuss is in real life. Mostly because I often get questions like “Well, what if your Master wanted to have sex and you didn’t want to?” or (and this one was classic) “What if he brought home a bunch of his male friends and told you to let them gang rape you?”

You can “what if” me all day and all night. The answer to any and all of them is “I would do it without question.” I hear you gasping in shock and I see your eyes popping out of your head. And I understand your fears and concerns. In some relationships, this is not the case, but in the relationship I have with Master, I have given up any and all rights.

I have given Master permission to use me in whatever way pleases him. I gave my consent to be his property in all ways. This means that regardless of how I feel about an order, I follow through or I face the consequences. This isn’t the case in all relationships. In some relationships, the sub/slave has the right to say no or to safeword out. I don’t. Nor do I want it.

This way of life might not be for you. You may need some way to stop things if they get carried away. A way to take a step back and realize “Hey, I’m still okay!” before pushing yourself any further. Doesn’t make you any less a submissive, but in so doing, saying “I’ll do anything for you” would be a lie. It would be better to say “I’ll try anything once.”

Which brings us back to the issue of honesty. It is absolutely imperative in a D/s relationship, when discussing limits and contracts and whatever else one must discuss, that you are one hundred percent honest. If you know you can’t deal with something, say you can’t deal with it. The last thing anyone wants when they’re in the middle of a scene is a hysterical sub/slave that knew that what’s going on would be too much for her but didn’t say anything for fear of disappointing her dominant. And not just for the selfish “Damn it and I was just getting into it” factor either. Concern, anger, hurt feelings, sadness, feelings of self deprecation are all just a few of the feelings that may arise in a situation like this. On both sides.

There are a lot of things that in the beginning I had never done and said I would never want to try. I had a safeword, and my consent for things lasted only as long as I didn’t call out “enough.” Yet at the same time, I was saying “I would do anything for you.” I realized how much of a lie this seemed to be with me having a safeword and holding the opportunity to take away my consent in my strong hand. But I wanted my safety net.

Finally, I plunged head first into Total Power Exchange (TPE). I decided perfect love and perfect trust was the way to go. Without it, we had nothing. I’m not saying that with a safeword you don’t have perfect love and trust for your dominant. You still have to trust him to stop when you say it, don’t you? For me, though, keeping my safeword was a sign that I didn’t trust him to do what was right for both of us and that I wasn’t what I was claiming to be: a slave totally and hopelessly devoted to Master and his wants, needs and fantasies.

And so now if he grabs me by the hair and pins me to the ground while a complete stranger fucks my ass and then pisses on me (this has never happened and hopefully it never will), I would lay there and take it until they were through torturing me. I would probably cry until I had exhausted myself. I would probably scream and beg. I might even struggle a bit at first. But what it would eventually come to is me submitting to his desire and letting him take what it is he wants from me.

Where is the consent in this? How can I call Master pinning me down while someone rapes me “consensual”? Because my body, mind and soul belong to him and I will do anything for him. Because I gave consent in the beginning. Because I said, almost verbatim, “If it pleases you, do it.” And that is all the consent he needs.

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