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Mrs. Perfect Falls

October 7th, 2003

So all of those that are still convinced that I’m perfect (although I tell you time and time again I’m far from it) and still wish to keep this view of me read no further… cause I’m about to smash it. Maybe if I continue to post when I screw up people will realize that I am at fault and not Master.

I was punished last night. And my ass still hurts. But more than that, my heart hurts. And the pain in my heart out weighs the pain in my ass by a long shot. I’m not entirely sure how to describe what I did, as, so far, everyone that I’ve told has said “Oh that’s harmless.” Which brings me to two points that I will probably stress a bazillion times while I have this website (which I hope to have for a long time), 1) If Master says I’m wrong, then I’m wrong, and 2) What you think/feel about what I did doesn’t matter. I don’t specifically post for the reader’s benefit so much as my own. And so when asked my opinion on a matter… if Ive already posted about it I can say “Read my rant.”

So, without further ado, the events leading to my punishment and my punishment. A friend of mine is a switch and she was in domme mode last night (online). She paddled me and I asked for another and she paddled me again. Asking for another was the offense. I wasn’t thinking and I was only joking. But that is completely irrelevant. I am not permitted to ask for anything from anyone except Master. 

Master is angry as He well should be. And I was punished, although I’m not entirely sure how long it will go on. Master beat my ass with the crop and made me sleep on the floor last night. I’m not sure how long I have to sleep on the floor.

I could be sitting here having a pity party. I could be sitting here resenting Master. I could say “Well, now that’s just not fair. I’ve joked around like that with her before and He never said anything (which I did bring to His attention at first, but He said He had never noticed before last night, so that explains that).” But oddly enough, I’m not doing any of those things.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. I brought it on myself. I know Master’s rules. I should have thought about what I was doing before I did it, and then, I shouldn’t have done it. i don’t resent Master, nor do I think He was in the wrong. I think He was right to punish me. I know what I did was wrong and I needed to be punished.

I’m thankful that He cares enough to take the time to punish me. I’m also extremely thankful that He doesn’t just give up on me when I do something wrong. And that He doesn’t just say “Well this obviously isn’t going to work. We might as well forget it.” and stop training me. i am very happy to be His slave.

So what am i thinking? I’m thinking How could I have pushed Him far enough that He would have to do this to me? How could I have been out of line so badly? What was I thinking? This Man goes out of His way to care for me and keep me happy and I thank Him by breaking one of His rules. And not just any rule… one of the biggest. Some slave I am.

What am I feeling? I’m feeling sad, angry with myself, grateful that Master took the time to punish me, and happy that I have a Master that cares so much for me. I’m really down on myself. I know I can do better than that. I know last night was a far cry from exemplary behavior. And I really hate what I did.

I’m so incredibly disappointed in me. And it hurts. A lot. But what hurts more is that Master is disappointed in me. I don’t understand the supposed subs/slaves that can say “It’s his fault that this happened.” or “If he hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done that.” or something like that. How can you call yourself a sub/slave? My actions are completely my own.

Granted, in the year I’ve been in training, Master has been rather lenient. Granted, I’ve had a lot of freedom and gotten away with a lot. But that should make me strive harder to be the slave that He deserves. Not walk on His generosity and mercy.

It seems strange, but this has been a serious wake up call for me. It has made me sit and think. And it makes me wonder how I can have the nerve to call myself a slave. How I can have the gall to prance around all high and mighty like little miss perfect, like I never do anything wrong and I’m always the perfect slave. It makes me realize how seriously lacking I am and just how much work I need to be doing to become what Master deserves. And He deserves much more than I am.

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